Friday 10 January 2014

Swinging - the grass is always greener?

Swinging - The Grass is always greener?

As long time blog readers will know, Yummy and I met and we have developed and enjoyed a very deep and positive relationship from our first meeting through to the present day where we have not had a cross word between us, we think in similar ways, have similar values and still have an strong sexual desire for each other.

And as blog readers will also know, we also enjoy recreational sex with others in a swinging capacity too. Since we have been together, we have always met with others together and neither of us have any interest in going off to 'a meet' on a solo basis, or 'playing with permission', as it is known in the swinging the world. This is because we view swinging as an extension of our relationship where we have an opportunity to view each other enjoying themselves with others as opposed to simply looking for sex with others to relieve monotony or other such boredoms.

Following agreement from Yummy when I asked her last week, I thought that I would like to write a small piece about swinging from different perspectives as we now have experience in this area as a couple, single female and single male as each category often thinks that another category has an easier time and more fun than another............however do they, is the grass always greener?

The Single Male
I used to have a single male profile and I always appreciated that single males are the dominant category in terms of absolute numbers so felt that couples and single females could afford to be choosey about who they decided to proceed with. With this in mind, I only approached and contacted profiles that genuinely interested me and as such, put in what I assumed was the normal work for first communicating with a profile, i.e. addressing them by their names in the salutation,  
responding to wording and interests in their profile and outlining things about myself. Not all messages got a reply and many were simply deleted, however I always took the view that there is no point in getting frustrated about this and protesting to them or following further communications as they clearly don't feel the same way about my profile as I did about theirs, and starting a row with someone isn't going to make them like me is it?

For those who did reply to me, I often received expressions of surprise and gratitude that someone had actually taken the time to write to them properly and treat them like real living people, which were nice compliments for me to receive, however I didn't really appreciate what all of this actually meant until I became a member of another category! As exchanges progressed to agreed meetings, I always arrived on time, showered, shaved, appropriately dressed and as I have said to Yummy on a number of occasions, I had a 100% record as a single male as from an initial social meeting/drinks, the evening would always end with me enjoying the other person/people intimately. I don't say this to boast as I like to think that I am quite a self aware person and on every meet, I never once took it for granted that it would end with sex, however I was often complimented on how pleasant I was, a conversationalist and that I had done what was agreed, such as being there on time and so forth.

I remember a couple of meets with two couples, on separate occasions, where the female partner arrived looking jaded and disinterested, but within half an hour of initial conversation, their mood lightened and they became engaged in the meet. On the second occasion of this, by the time that I was lying naked on their living room floor at 2 in the morning, they admitted that they had come out in a frosty mood and were only going to meet for coffee and nothing more, but the lady changed her mind during our conversation. What was this all about I was thinking, in general, but still not fully appreciating it.

So anyway, so it went on until I met Yummy and six months after we met we both moved into the couples category. However, before I move on to that, a little section on the single female perspective as it has been related to me from various ladies.

The Single Female
This is the category that everyone (apart from the single females) thinks is having the time of their lives and an easy ride in the swinging community, but are they? A common phrase in the swinging world is 'the unicorn' or 'the elusive single bi female', so named as it is commonly believed that bisexual single ladies are difficult to find or that there are so few of them that a couple is lucky to meet up with one. However, as both a single male and a couple, this hasn't been my experience. I have met and enjoyed many bi single females and with Yummy, regularly enjoy MFF experiences. Notably we have one lovely lady that is very keen on us and we very much appreciate in return and in another case, we have another lovely lady who stayed overnight with us.....which was nice :D

So, if we experience this but they are commonly viewed as 'elusive', how can this paradox come about?

The number of single females with profiles is lower than that of males and couples, therefore they have more attention focused upon them, and as such they receive more mail, which you would think would be great for them, but it's not as most of the mail is simply dross from no-hopers who don't read the profile, don't care about them as a person (it's just a female up for sex), send one liners that aren't even written in English and even more lazily than that, they simply copy and paste this rubbish into messages to every female they can find a profile for. So all of this happens multiple times, a females inbox is overwhelmed (and we are literally talking hundreds of messages per day here) and the female simply tires of going through the process of opening up all of these messages from people who aren't even trying and have no specific interest in them. As a result of this, on occasion a decent communication will be overlooked/deleted without reading and it is not uncommon for females to simply do a wholesale delete on all unread messages to make their inbox manageable again.

When it comes to meets, females are often let down, especially by single males, they may not turn up as agreed, they may be of a completely different age from what they claimed, they may have sent pictures of themselves from several years ago, but unable to hold a conversation and so forth.

So, the grass isn't looking so green for single females, surely it must be easy for couples then?

The Couple
For the average person, I'm sure that the words 'swingers' and 'swinging' will conjure up the traditional thoughts of couples 'round at each other's houses picking car keys out of a bowl and so forth, so surely with this supposed heritage and the inherent maturity and possibly stability  of couples, they will be the most reliable and be having the most fun with each other?

Well, for starters, if a couple wishes to meet with another couple, for it to be successful for all concerned, we now have four people who have to be in agreement that they all like each other, which is obviously a greater number than the two, if it's a 1:1 singles meet. I like to think that I am discriminating in who I would wish to meet with and subsequently pursue further and I know that Yummy most certainly is, so this filters out a lot of couples, however the biggest issue for us is usually the male half of a couple. This isn't because Yummy has impossibly high standards and it isn't because I am overprotective, after all I want to see Yummy enjoy herself with another man and as I am bi, I am more than happy to be in close proximity to another man, it is because they often are simply severely lacking in one or multiple areas. We see many profiles and have met couples where the lady is very attractive and we like, but when it comes to the male partner, there is just no way!!! Examples of this can be lack of intelligence, lack of personal hygiene, cannot behave to social norms or is just plain ugly!!! The height of this had to be the sufferance that Yummy very generously gave to me for the guy who stank of cigarettes and only had one tooth!!! His female partner was delightful and we really liked her, although even she must have had enough as they split up a few months after we met them.

OK then, if meeting other couples has its difficulties, surely this elusive bi female must be impossible? Well, as above, we seem to have enjoyed single females very nicely, however there are a number of ladies with profiles that neither of us wish to engage with and I made a monumental error of judgement with one single female for us recently that I certainly don't wish to repeat so just because they are single, female and bi, it doesn't mean that all will be well.

As above, there is no shortage of single males, so now that I am in a different category, surely it must be fun for me to be on the other end and simply pick and choose who we play with??? Oh dear god, this was the area where I got the biggest shock of my swinging life experience.


I had assumed that as all males know they are in the majority in terms of numbers, they would up their game and set out to impress, just like the old days when chatting up women in bars, make sure the clothes look good, the hair is in place and the chat up lines are wrong I was. We regularly get one liners along the lines of 'wonna meat', 'wot yous up 2', 'fancy suckin me cock', 'U up 4 fun' and so on. Obviously from day one, these types of messages have failed the first filter test of being able to write legibly. The second filter test is what do these males look like? Ugliness seems to be a common factor, not just in the face department, but also the cock, in terms of 'erm, really? you think you can seriously call yourself a 'bull' with that pathetic thing??', wildly growing and uncheck pubes and so forth.

In the early days of us seeking single males, once the above filters had been passed and a meet was agreed, I thought that it would be plain sailing from here and MMF fun would be commencing shortly, however, the reality of a man in front of you can be quite different from the picture built up from a series of message exchanges. We had one guy who we had both separately built up in our minds as being a sophisticated designer type person, was in fact a short, squat bald man with thick glasses, another who turned up in what could be best described as old clothes, another who could write extraordinarily well but the reality was a short, bearded dog owner who couldn't hold a face to face conversation. It has simply been a revelation to me that many men don't put any effort at all into attempting to impress others when the whole point of communicating/meeting with others in this way to engage in the most intimate acts that humans can have.

After a social meeting with a single guy and he passes the tests, everything fine, right? Erm not always. Common errors can be guys who have large cocks, often can't get them erect, and we are not being shallow here and expecting people to perform on cue, in fact one guy we had, we quite liked but he was very nervous and as expected, he couldn't perform, but we really enjoyed the evening with him, although of course he was very conscious of his failing, but we did all that we could to reassure him that it wasn't an issue and there are many other ways to enjoy each other. We had another guy would as the night progressed kept 'having to leave the room' for increasingly prolonged periods and it became apparent that he was coming down with 'Columbian flu'. We've had guys who were purportedly bi where we both gave them heavenly double BJs, but nothing was reciprocated. Other guys who once they have cum, all interest is immediately lost and the night is over. And then there are the 'grabby' guys who have no finesse, can't believe their luck and the situation that they are in and it is hands all over the place grabbing and squeezing tits and genitals in an excited and unsophisticated manner that is of course not sexually appealing in any way at all.  However the worst and most surprising incident is where following our usual fantastic double BJ delight, the guy refused to wear a condom and simply didn't wish to continue any sexual play whatsoever due to our refusal to play bareback.

So what am I trying to say with this piece? When I discussed it with Yummy, I initially thought that it may be a guide as to how to successfully progress as a swinger, but then having read a number of forums recently, I remembered that we all have different perspectives, aspirations and qualities that we look for and are prepared to accept, so it's likely that my words above are just simply my views, experiences and thoughts, which are equally as valid as someone else's who may take a different view.

On reflection, what I have attempted to do is to provide an overview of the experiences that Yummy and I have had in the three swinging categories that we have collectively been in and we have therefore  had the luxury of metaphorically sitting on both sides of the table and knowing what it is like in regards to giving and receiving.

We know that we are not alone or unique in any of these experiences as we regularly swap stories with others who have had variations on the above and indeed, if you are interested in further reading, this book is an excellent and very valid account of swinging in the UK which still holds true today . It is written by the male half of a couple that have been swinging for a good number of years and run a Swinging Club in the North of England.
We can relate to a number of the anecdotes that are shared in the book such as 'timewasters' (i.e. people who don't meet, although initial suggestions are otherwise) and couples who are selfish in their desires and have no regard for who they are with and so on.

Overall, our meetings with others have been positive, but it really is a game of patience this swinging business and doing it right, knowing the signs to look for and holding out for the right people. Even with our experience, we still to this day don't get it right every time, but when it works, it is such a wonderful and thrilling experience that we delight in sharing together.

1 comment:

  1. Definitely a game of patience, and I agree that I am shocked by the lack of effort when meeting people for the first time.