Self doubt

Last trip away with YSL was to Cap D'Agde, the naked city. Despite being a 'big girl' YSL has my body confidence high, making me feel comfortable with who I am. Ever since I met him he had me feeling this way. I remember the liberating feeling of not needing to hide behind the sexy lingerie but to enjoy just being naked with him, even if it was just to make cocktails in his kitchen. 

I wrote this May 2011:

My new lover (to be refered to as YSL from now on)first approached me as my profile said BBW, I've always used that in my title as I dont want any guy thinking some thin chick is going to turn up on a meet.

Years ago I used to hide away under unflattering clothes, the post baby years the worst but I rediscovered myself and whilst nothing physically changed, I didnt loose weight, it was the mental change that made me more attractive. I decided I would love myself, I would be happy with my own body image. If I wasnt happy I should do something about it.

It took some time to grow to love myself, I used to slip some sexy underwear on and lie on the bed playing with myself, seeing if I could enjoy just being with me, clearly this has worked because I now adoring lying back and playing with nothing more than some naughty heels on.

I also used to avoid wearing heels because im so tall but that again came with the growth in confidence, these days I have no challenge walking into a room whatever the occasion in 5 inch heels and being the tallest by far.

Just last week YSL asked me to stand naked before him naked, even though we have become close quite quickly I still gulped at the thought of doing this as whilst over the past 3 year I have made major leaps with body confidence I still hide behind the sexy undies and the stockings... YSL doesnt want that, he wants raw natural me.

I was quivering the first time I did it. He reads me well and he holds me tight after and tells me how much he adores me, every inch. I believe him, his eyes and his physical reaction to me are very apparent and appreciative.

I know YSL's preference is for the fuller figure and I don't expect to be many mens 'type' but I have always felt in his company that I was good enough.

The last trip away with YSL was literally only last month but the contrast to this holiday with how I feel about myself is vast. I couldn't pin point one conversation or comment that has me where I am but the small chipping away from husband and my father this week has had me not wanting to be seen outside in my swimsuit. Added to that a few to many cruel messagesegt on the blog my self esteem is at an all time low I found myself not being able to look myself in the mirror this week. I have never felt this way for such a long time and I dislike how it has effected my enjoyment. I sincerely hope back home I can dust this back off and get back to my normal self.