Please ignore I just needed to rant

Do ignore this ranting post, I just need to put it down, I would normally post this on my other blog but as it has a fair bit of sex stuff in it I thought its best here and less likely to upset vanilla readers!

Feeling quite unhappy with myself this week as per usual I've kept my thoughts and feelings hidden inside the last week or so but the small concerns and thoughts have collided and I'm in a little bit of a crisis of confidence. 

I figure putting it out there (here) might help me sort things out in my mind. 

We recently set up a new profile on our swingers community, our current profile has single males blocked and we don't emphasise YSL being bi as it can put some couples off, the guy ends up worrying he will pounce on the males cock and turn him gay! The profile is straight to the point and shares a few images of me enjoying 2 cocks orally and some  upper torso images, no where as many as we have on the main but enough to show what we look like.  A couple of weeks ago we met a guy from the site and after a drink he declined to play with us. He was polite and courteous in his turn down but I realised before we even got to that point he didn't find me attractive, he wouldn't even look at me when talking. We drove back to YSL's and we discussed the need to add body images on the profile. I appreciate a fuller figure is not for some but out profile does state that I'm a BBW. 

Last week we had the maddest night ever, 10pm we acted on impulse and drove to meet a guy, the instructions were to let ourselves in and climb in bed with him. When we got outside I started to giggle nervously, what if we were at the wrong house and climbed in bed with the wrong person!?!? I sent YSL ahead and was pleased to find a man who matched his images in bed stroking his very large manhood. We stripped and jumped in, both immediately sucking his cock and snatching it from each other. The guy was in a state, gasping with passion as we devoured his length in turn. I lay back and he fumbled his fingers I assume to try and give me some pleasure, it was unsuccessful and short lived. He moved between my thighs and was about to fuck me "you need a condom" I say confused that he was even going to attempt to penetrate me without especially given the emphasis of safe sex on our profile. "I don't have any" he replies, YSL and me lock eyes, we normally say tough and don't offer them but we've driven all this way, YSL leaves the bed to get him one of ours "I won't use them" is now his excuse followed promptly with "you will have to finish her off" gesturing for YSL to take over, finish me off? I wasn't even started!!!! Again not wishing to make the journey for nothing I suggest we just enjoy each other "no" was the point blank reply. Anger I think was the strongest emotion as I dressed but its the first time in a long time I felt hurt in this situation. when I was a single female swingingthis was the sort of thing I avoided as I know my confidence can't afford these knocks but I feel safe in the company of YSL yet this guy really knocked me. We parked up round the corner as YSL knew i needed a hug, I wanted to rationalise it all but wasn't there yet with my thoughts. The journey home seemed longer than going, the tears welled up inside and every few minutes spilled down my cheeks. It felt like this guy was only after a hole to fuck and I didn't float his boat for anything else. Again I felt awkward and un appealing.

At the weekend I was away with the husband and as he introduced me his colleague exclaimed "cor she's a big'un" I assumed referring to my height as I was wearing heels and I must of been 6ft 4ish and most normally folk don't make such personal comments about people's weight when they just meet them. The husband added "yep but dont worry she's on a diet" I was horrified and I could feel the blush sweep over me. I was the subsequently abandoned by the husband as he went to talk to clients a colleagues, leaving me at a table sat by myself. I was so angry and disappointed inside but unable to express it. Thankfully I met an old friend I've worked with and spent the night talking with them before hitting the dance floor.

Finally yesterday, after a full day of work the husbands dissatisfaction of me making no effort to cook a special dinner and that I had slipped on my PJ's was made known. He never considered it was a 2 way street, he could of made the effort but for him the fact his card for me was bigger than I had bought for him therefore he had made the greater effort. Yesterday had been tough in so many ways, including starting with the eldest refusing to go to school due to bullying which resulted in a meeting at school and being late to deliver a training course.  Added to that my son asked to go see Gran's grave to leave a valentines card and a rose for her, he said he was sad as he always spent valentines with her and he wanted her to know he still loved her, this filled me with sadness and pride. So many more minor issues than added layers of fragility to the day, all things I would normally just deal with and let wash off but I don't think I was in the right frame of mind. I had sent a silly outpouring of emotion to YSL and I hadn't heard from him all day so I worried I'd said too much until I messaged him late last night to discovered in my haste the message was sat in drafts.

Needless to say my head by the end of yesterday was in knots, I slept very little and when i did sleep it was far from restful. Today I want to hide away (and eat chocolate even if it makes me fat). I need to lie in bed and sleep feeling safe and loved, YSL close by watching over me. I need to feel accepted for who I am and appreciated for what I do.